Cursing Plate Armor, A System-Agnostic Magic Item

Cursing Plate Armor

Description:  A suit of shining steel plate armor, each piece of which has one or more stylized human (or perhaps elven) faces inscribed into it.  Magical senses will reveal a strong protective dweomer and an odd sensation of being watched.  More elaborate investigation spells will trigger the armor's power as though being attacked by the examiner and giving them quite an earful.

Powers:  The armor provides whatever level of magical enhancement fits your campaign, as well as having a secondary effect.  When the wearer of this armor is hit by an attack, or missed by an attack with an natural odd result on the attack roll, the faces on the armor animate and release a loud and exceptionally foul torrent of invective directed at the attacker.  The creature must make an opposed roll using d20 + level/hit dice versus d20 + wearer's level + armor enhancement bonus.  If the creature rolls higher, it is enraged by the stream of insults and receives a +2 (or +10% if using a d100 system) bonus to hit the wearer until the end of the battle.  If the wearer's roll is higher, the creature is so daunted by the armor's imaginative curses that it suffers a -2 (or -10%) to attack the wearer instead.

These penalties or bonuses only apply once to each creature in a fight, but you can wind up with some creatures angry with you and others shaken at the same time.  The armor continues to curse till the fight has ended, and can become a confusing chorus of invective if struck by multiple creatures.

The armor's magic allows it to be understood by any creature within earshot as long as they can comprehend any spoken language.  Animals, the deaf, and creatures who exclusively use telepathy or similar means to communicate are immune to the armor's power, although it will still begin swearing volubly for the duration of the battle.   

Possible Origins:  Human sages attribute the first Cursing Plate Armor to an elven king of old who was legendary for his sharp tongue and biting insults.  Elven scholars credit the armor to a legendary human usurper whose climb to the throne began on the deck of a pirate ship.  Dwarven record keepers insist it was made as an insult to some prudish royal who'd objected to Dwarven bluntness, but are unclear on whether said royal was elf or human.  Orcs don't have sages but think this is the best armor ever, and will make every effort to extend fights with its wearer so they can add to their vocabulary.    

Complications:  You're wearing armor that vehemently objects to being struck and isn't shy about telling your foes what it thinks of them.  Loudly.  It attracts attention (and attacks) like mad, alerts nearby foes (and sometimes friends), and generally makes stealth impossible for you during the battle.  It may make enough noise to help stealth checks for other creatures nearby, which can be good or bad depending on the situation.

The armor rarely gets "set off" by everyday jostling outside of combat, but when it does the cursing goes on for at least five minutes.  It's pretty fussy about getting dirty though, and may be triggered by clumsy waitstaff, thoughtlessly emptied chamber pots, and similar mishaps.  This may make for awkward social situations such as your armor delivering a blistering series of blasphemous oaths at the royal court after Sir Juggermere the Ox delivers a slightly-too-hearty slap on your back as a friendly greeting. 

Design Commentary:  This is really good armor a lot of the time.  When it isn't, it's really bad.  And that's just the mechanical end of it.  The social end of it is almost all bad, although if you're trying to impress a bunch of pirates or something it might actually be helpful.